Slow

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For as long as I can remember (which, judging by recent entries, isn’t all that long, admittedly) I have been slow.  And by slow I mean “not fast.”  And this is a source of deep-seated shame.  “Slow” is a four letter word.  In today’s society, and even before that, “fast” is valued much more highly, despite also being a four letter word.

I remember as early as kindergarten, my teacher, Mrs. Lord (an apt name for an authority figure) said to me, “You’re slow as molasses in January” after I failed to finish my snack time cookies and milk within 10 minutes of everyone else in the class.  At the time, I didn’t even know what molasses was, but I knew from her tone that it was a bad substance/person/machine that apparently didn’t like winter.   Today, that chiding would probably be cause for much indignation on the part of my parents, fretting for my tenuous hold on my self-esteem, not to mention concerns about my spiraling into obesity and would probably result in said authority figure being required to apologize to me and give me as many cookies as I wished.  Except today it wouldn’t be cookies, it would be gluten-free vegetable crackers, ironically sweetened with artisanal organic molasses.  Which, let’s face it, would take me twice as long to finish, which is why I’m really happy I’m not a child today.

But my point is, I recall this incident with a clarity usually reserved for major life events and near-death experiences.  And the implication it held has stayed with me, as all childhood life lessons:  being slow isn’t a desirable trait.   Think fast.  Act quickly.  Make a snap decision.  Finish first.  Win win win!

I exemplify few of these abilities.  I am deliberate. I am a plodding decision-maker, weighing all options to an excruciating degree.  I’ve never won a race of any kind. And I’m still the last to finish eating.  Actually, my title as World’s Slowest Eater was shared with my great-grandmother, until she went to that 24 hour buffet in the sky at the age of 100.  Since then, it’s only me.

Usually at the table by myself after all the other quicker eaters have moved on to recess.

Happy Birthday to You!

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No matter what day it is, it’s someone’s birthday.  And that’s a great thing — I love birthdays!  Not just my own, which in our household has evolved from a single day to more of what my husband calls my “Birthday Season.”  He says this usually while rolling his eyes and lamenting my enthusiasm for baubles and cake.

My birthday season is about a two month period before and after my special day where my friends and family insist on squiring me about town, treating me to dinners, events and presents.  I really do have the best people in my life — I’m very lucky!  And I know I must sound spoiled, but it isn’t one sided — it is my immense pleasure to reciprocate this indulgence with all of these wonderful people who enrich my life so.  Little gives me more good feelings than helping others to celebrate their birthdays.  I think that, in this world, everyone deserves a day (or more!) where they feel special and can celebrate being here.  It’s sad that this isn’t more widely embraced by the world.

Most people these days don’t share this appreciation for this annual milestone because it reminds them of things they’d rather not dwell on:  that they’re getting older…that they aren’t as fit/capable/thin/happy as they used to be….that, someday, they’re going to die.  But I say, “Isn’t that the point?”  Commemorating the day you were born is a hell of a lot better than the alternative.  Someday we will run out of them and I’m happy that today isn’t that someday.  For me or for you.

I never knew my maternal grandparents.  My grandfather died before I was born.  My grandmother died when I was a baby.  And my mother died at the age of 42, when I was 12.  My family history isn’t Methuselaic.  They all had cancer, which is, as everyone knows, a bitch of a disease, to fight through or to die from.  And you know, if you’ve read past musings here, that, as of February 13, I will be an 8 year survivor of cancer, myself.  Luckily, I had a highly treatable form of cancer.  Really it’s one of the least awful kinds.  But as anyone who’s fought the disease knows, you always wonder when it’s coming back.  I do.  In the back of my mind, I always suspect that that’s how I’ll go, no matter how healthy I am, how many years pass….someday it’ll be back and I’ll have that moment thinking, “There you are again, old nemesis.”  Because that’s what cancer does.  It wins.  That’s the lesson I learned at 12.  No matter how much medicine, how many doctors, how many get well cards you crayon, cancer eventually….always…wins.

Now I know intellectually that this fear isn’t reality.  Plenty of people beat it and meet their end in other, unrelated, ways.  But that didn’t stop me from commemorating October 16, 2011.  Was that my birthday…?  No. It was the day I officially lived longer than my mother.  I celebrated.  And I cried.  For the fact that she, and so many others, had no more birthdays to celebrate.

The American Cancer Society’s motto is “The Official Sponsor of Birthdays.”  I love this…this is important.  Because they’re worth celebrating.  For you.  For me.  For her.

She would have been 76 today.

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Yes, I Remember It Well

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Today I learned what’s in étouffée.  I recall eating and liking étouffée at one point.  It would make sense that I like étouffée, mainly because it has a French-sounding name and I love everything French.  Yes, yes, I know it’s Cajun or Creole, but why let that stop my culinary misrememberances.  Or would that be mismemories?  Is either a word?  Apparently not, SpellCheck tells me.  But even though I thought I enjoyed it, I learned that what is in étouffée is shellfish, and I don’t like shellfish in the least.  Hence, no, I would never have chosen to eat, let alone enjoy, it.

My point is that this happens to me quite often.  I remember things that didn’t actually happen or aren’t quite true.  With a certitude akin to the usual sun-rising-in-the-east sort of thing.

Upon returning home from a few days away, I was convinced that the local gas station erected a brand new overhang above the gas pumps.  The likelihood that a project of that scope and complexity could be completed during a weekend jaunt is pretty low, I admit.  A veritable wonder of engineering efficiency.  But, I honestly remember being so relieved that I would now no longer be rained on when I filled my tank, as I was “last time”.  Only there was no last time.  That never happened.  Because the roof had always been there.  And my track record for remembering actual facts and events isn’t much better.

Now you may say that I have a terrible memory, and many I know would probably agree.  Can’t remember names, mind you, but more than a few acquaintances would admit the same affliction.  It’s probably my feeble mind, rendered less effective by all the important stuff I have to keep track of these days.  (Game of Thrones has about four thousand important characters and three hundred thirty seven story lines.)  But every once in a while there’s a small part of me that thinks, maybe I’m right, but just moving between parallel universes.  Some sort of glitch in the Matrix where étouffée is made of chocolate, porticos are built in a day and I’m happy and observant, wiling away the hours keeping up with Game of Thrones!

Relay for Turkey Wraps

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So I may not have told you this, but I am what they consider a “Cancer Survivor.”   Now, I didn’t have the Make-A-Wish type disease where my life was seriously in jeopardy, but I did have cervical/uterine cancer 6 years ago, and I’m happy (for a change) to report that I have gotten it successfully treated with surgery.   I’ve seen seriously bad cancer battles among my family and friends, and I consider myself very lucky that my experience wasn’t as extensive, or as bleak, as others’.   Mainly because they caught it early with me. Moral of the story: get your checkups, people.

So it is with that sense of gratitude and hope, I signed up for this year’s Relay for Life. In case you don’t know, this is a great fundraiser from the American Cancer Society, the Official Sponsor of Birthdays® – a sentiment I really like because I like living and I really like cake.   Don’t feel too badly if you don’t know it – I wasn’t all that familiar with the specifics either, and I’m sure I benefitted from it in some way, directly or indirectly.

I’ve been in “walk-a-thon’s” in the past. Every year, I do some sort of walk for charity, and I’m accustomed to that process. You sign up, maybe with a team, then proceed to receive emails from them every month for the rest of your natural life. On the eve of the event, you frantically email friends and family for some sponsorship money, then make a check out yourself so you can attend the event without too much shame. And receive the free T-shirt. Show up the next day, check in for the free T-shirt for hitting your fundraising goal (you’re so awesome!) and start walkin’.   No muss, no fuss and you’re usually done by mid-day.

With the Relay for Life, I didn’t have a team, and, sadly enough, basically planned to walk it by myself. Again, I figured it’d be a quick power walk, raise some money for a good cause, and that’d be it. Except, as I started the countdown, I began to realize that this “Relay” was a bit more involved than I originally thought.

1re·lay noun \ˈrē-ˌlā\

: a race between teams in which each team member runs, swims, etc., a different part of the race

: a group of people, horses, etc., that takes the place of others so that something (such as a job or an activity) is done continuously

Had I actually looked into it earlier, I might have realized that someone was expecting me — or my horse — to do something continuously. And as I later learned, continuously for 24 hours! Uh oh…

Since I was teamless and horseless, I didn’t have anyone to spell me on my 24-hour cancer-conquering activity. I say “activity” because I still wasn’t quite sure what they had planned for me. I was pretty certain we weren’t swimming, and I wouldn’t be much help with research or anything scientific, but other than that, it was anyone’s guess. I still had my money on walking, but since no one bothered to inform me of the 24 hour requirement, they might have decided to just lay low until they got me there and shamed me into staying the full day doing cross country ski relays.

I showed up at the appointed time and looked for the Registration Tent to pick up my free T-shirt, and to finally figure out what I’d be spending my time doing.   ‘Couldn’t find that, so I stumbled upon the Survivors’ Table. Luckily, I had the foresight to check that box when I signed up, so they had me down as a Survivor. Which meant, not only was I fortunate enough to beat cancer, but I was also entitled to another, separate free T-shirt, that designated me as different from all the other walkers/swimmers/horse riders.   Plus, a gift bag containing a vase, a beaded bracelet of hope and some coupons to local businesses. My cancer-free cup runneth over!   The kind woman manning the table informed me that things (what things, specifically…?)   would be kicking off at 10:00 am in the Main Tent.   So, I pulled on my special Survivor T, headed over to the tent and took a seat expectantly.

At 10:00, there was a series of welcomes, addresses, thank you’s, acknowledgements and general “We-couldn’t-do-it-without…”s from various local organizers, officials and participants.   And finally, the Four Mayors (which, at first, I thought was either a singing group or a band of second tier superheroes, but were actually four mayors from our neighboring townships) began the call-out of the Survivors.   We had been instructed to come forward when your name was called to accept a flower and queue up for the Survivors’ Lap.   So far so good. No horses.

I was called late in the roster, and took my place in line among what seemed like mostly senior citizens. I was given a carnation by an adorable Pee Wee Cheerleader, who smiled at me timidly. Then we took our places at the starting line and began the Survivors’ Lap, accompanied by Sara Bareilles’ song, Brave.   The seniors and I, shuffling slowly around a high school parking lot.   And an amazing thing happened. People clapped. They cheered. They shouted and smiled. At me…at us all.   And I cried.   I was honestly overcome by the moment, the kindness shown and the realization of what an accomplishment beating cancer is for anyone.

We finished the lap and they invited the Caregivers to join the Survivors in another lap. More cheering, more smiles, more gratitude.   And finally, by this time, many of my senior compadres were a bit winded, so they announced we could proceed to the Survivors’ Lunch.   All this and a free lunch, too!

We headed over to the Survivors’ Lunch Tent and were served our choice of hoagies, wraps and sandwiches, salad, chips and dessert.   By this time, I was feeling a bit guilty that maybe my cancer wasn’t serious enough to warrant all these freebies.   Only the Stage 3’s and higher should get the free cookies.   But I accepted their kindness, and their turkey wrap, just the same.

I soon realized that this particular Relay was going to be a series of activities and fundraisers, held through throughout the day and night, but, as far as they were concerned, my job was done. Since I wasn’t assigned to a team, and I signed up as a Survivor and completed my lap, they didn’t have anything else for me to do, formally.   So, I did a couple laps around the high school — just to say I walked — participated in some of the fundraising booth activities and made my way home.

This was not the day I was expecting, but it was a good day, nonetheless. I found myself honestly touched at the effort that went into commemorating the milestones that each of us shared, celebrating the time stolen away from that miserable disease.

Survivor…caregiver…fundraiser…relative…friend. We all were touched by the same thing and, for one day, could say we beat it.  And that was pretty great.

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Advanced Studies in Masochism

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Today marks my triumphant return to the blog, angrier than ever because of the way I spent my day yesterday.  In my industry, like many others, I am required to maintain my licensure through periodic classes good for continuing education credits.   Typically these classes are taught by benign souls, slightly beaten down by a combination or life’s toil and the accumulated years of no one paying attention to them.  Because of my vocation as someone who presents for a living, I usually try to pay due attention to anyone who is trying to share something with me that might be of value.  (Instructors…flight attendants…servers in restaurants sharing the specials…)  That, and the fact that I’m a people pleaser and I want everyone’s approval.

Today, even my limits were officially reached when I encountered the most disagreeable instructor I have ever come across in my decades in the workforce and as a student.  This unique combination of Archie Bunker, a can of Red Bull and a gallon and a half of rancid vinegar, proceeded to alienate and generally insult most everyone in the room during our 8 hour class.

During this time, he committed the following acts of educational barbarism:

  • Opening the class with a 20 minute lecture on punctuality and the paperwork requirements needed to get the credit for the class.  Which, in theory, is fine, but ultimately caused us to delay the class content by 20 minutes as he scolded humanity as a whole, on its perceived inability to follow instructions.
  • Intermittent shouting at the class in a snide and insulting tone of voice.
  • Imprecise (at best) and downright incorrect (at worst) facts about the subject matter.  And when these mistakes were pointed out by savvy members of the class, no acknowledgement of said mistake.  Only a plowing over the unimportance of the issue with a loud, “Right,” and then going on to claim the corrected fact as his opinion all along.
  • Rambling examples and stories on subjects not directly related to the class content, but subjects which the instructor felt were more important.
  • Direct challenging of class attendees as they shared personal experiences relevant to the discussion.  PERSONAL experiences, which can’t be refuted by someone who didn’t observe these experiences.  Unless you’re our instructor, who apparently knows and sees all.  Kinda like an evil deity or patron anti-saint of the mundane.
  • Throughout every topic, he would periodically punctuate the lecture with, “DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?”  in a loud outburst that caused more than one of us get a little jumpy by the end of the day.
  • Overindulging the occasional stupid question that led the discussion even more astray.   No ability, or even much interest, in keeping the class on track and under control.
  • Periodic raging on subjects he felt strongly against, including:
    • The government
    • The president
    • The IRS
    • His local water authority
    • The hotel staff where the class was held
    • Teachers
    • Section 8 housing
    • Poor people in general
    • Late arrivals (see bullet point 1)
    • Snoopy
    • The Biggest Loser
    • Elder care attorneys
    • Corporate marketers who work at his company
    • Technology

These rants would be put forth in a way that was neither diplomatic, nor particularly nice.  Obviously there was no concern about offending anyone.

And by the end of the day, while I learned that he had definite points of view on a range of issues (see above) he did seem to approve of a few select, albeit random, things:

    • Permanent life insurance
    • Tomato juice
    • Flexible spending accounts
    • Club soda
    • Roth IRAs
    • Shark Tank (TV show)
More irritating than all this, though, was a contingent of morons in the class who indulged this tyrant by apparently being interested in the divergent and irrelevant details that stood in place of the actual subject matter that was supposed to have been covered.  This coterie of idiots persisted in asking enough stupid questions that, by the end of the day, I do believe I hated these people almost as much as the instructor.   Didn’t they know we were here only to meet the minimum amount of effort required to ensure compliance with the regulations to qualify as “participation”?  Which amounts to, “Can you fog a mirror at the beginning and the end of the class?”  Few of these classes actually provide you with any information necessary to do your job.  It’s a formality, designed to show your company/clients/industry that you’re minimally qualified to set up and keep an appointment in your calendar.  I learn necessary and important things for my career on my own time.   And the fact that people were extending this collective hell because of an actual interest in understanding the un-understandable was vexing, to say the least.

Yesterday, I spent 8 hours reviewing the provisions of a Flexible Spending Account, many of which were questionably accurate.  Even if you read the entire section of the Internal Revenue Code relating to this subject, it would take less than 8 hours.  It’s all enough to send me to a sensory deprivation chamber, or at least some anger management sessions.

DOES EVERYONE UNDERSTAND THAT?!

 

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year: Just Say No to Holiday Shaming

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IMG_1306 - Version 2(I carve the same face in my Jack O’ Lantern every year)

Yes, the holidays are over and one of the reasons you haven’t heard from me lately is that I’ve been busy enjoying as perfect a holiday season as I can create.  I love the holidays…from the first colors of Fall through the last parades of New Years Day, I’m infused with a spirit and verve that is typically unlike the rest of my year.  Anything that allows me to eat decadent food, receive something for free and wear a corresponding costume/Christmas sweater/extra 5 lbs. without shame, is definitely high on my list.

I’m one of those people who work at the holidays.  You often hear about trying to simplify, cut back or make things easier on yourself.  I’m usually all for slacking off – believe me – but my feeling is that most of what makes me happy this time of year requires the kind of planning and coordination necessary to launch a satellite into orbit.  My husband and I celebrate traditions together that make us happy and remind us to be grateful for the wonderful lives we’ve been given.  These traditions don’t just happen though:  they have to be planned, and these plans have to be executed.   Themed parties for 50 don’t just spring up spontaneously like flash mobs.   Favorite seats at The Nutcracker aren’t delivered by fairy dust.  Pumpkins, turkeys, cards and gifts need to be carved, dressed, written and wrapped.  And I love most every minute of it, as long as I have the time and plan properly.

IMG_1487(The Glorious Sounds of Christmas with the Philadelphia Orchestra)

The funny thing is that, these days, this kind of effort is subtly discouraged and disparaged by today’s society.  The inference is that it’s materialistic and empty, when I believe that it’s worthwhile to go that extra mile to do something special for yourself and others.  What’s wrong with hosting friends graciously or delighting your family with a thoughtful present, note or gesture.   When did we get so lazy that we can’t even sign our own Christmas cards anymore, assuming we send them at all?

I know that each person has their own challenges with time, money and resources.   But keeping the holidays doesn’t have to cost much in time and money, just a bit of effort.  And those of us that do aren’t shallow or misguided.  At least I don’t think we are.  Speaking for myself, I’m trying to preserve the traditions and lessons passed down to me and bring some of the same joy that I experienced as a child to others, at a time when we all could use a bit more of it.

IMG_1394(No, this is not our Christmas tree.)

These gestures represent an aspect of home keeping that has apparently been lost to some degree.  I expect that in the future, we will eventually get to a point where we all just simply wire cash to each other’s bank accounts on December 24 and be done with it.  No gifts.  No bows.  No thought.  No feeling.  That’s not a future I look forward to.

Until that time, I will enjoy carrying out my plots and plans and relish the preparation and anticipation of a season that is supposed to bring peace and happiness to us all.

IMG_0061(This is our Christmas tree.)

Now, about this year’s party theme…

History Matters

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Gettysburg Address-Free

Image purchased from Announced Design

“Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate, we can not consecrate, we can not hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

 

Called everything from “dishwatery”, “silly remarks” to “one of the finest examples of English oratory”, the Gettysburg Address is commemorated today, at the 150th anniversary of its delivery.

The context:

The nation is embroiled in a long civil war, its citizens weary of the sacrifice and continued struggle.   The president, having been interested in addressing the significance of the war for some time, used the invitation to help dedicate a national cemetery at the Gettysburg battlefield to deliver his message. Until July, 1863, most of the war had been fought in the south.  Gettysburg represented the largest, northernmost battle and the bloodiest of the conflict, costing the combined armies approximately 50,000 casualties.   The Union victory represented a turning point in the war and by October, 1863, fighting again turned south and most of the reinterment of the battle dead was complete, thanks to local efforts to turn the battlefield into a national cemetery.

Total casualties since the beginning of the war:

Union    185,010
Confederacy 211,687

Consider that for a moment.  396,697 lives lost since fighting began on April 12, 1861.  By the end of the war in 1865, casualties would escalate to over 1,030,000 military and civilian deaths, representing 3% of the country’s population.

 

Why the history lesson, you ask?  Mainly because of that question and the connotation that it has.  “A History Lesson.”  To many that phrase implies an overly intellectual dissertation, filled with pomposity and needless detail, most of which doesn’t matter anymore.  Something to be avoided and possibly derided.

I, myself, always wondered why people find history boring.  Isn’t it simply a collection of life’s stories?  People get paid a lot of money to create works of fiction to read, watch and experience.  And yet the masses who flock to the latest blockbuster, will often eschew much of what is deemed historical.

As someone who cultivates an appreciation for the past, I sometimes worry for our future.  I’m afraid we’re evolving into a shallow and uncultured society, with little regard for art, music, history and the other social sciences.  And as someone who has no children, I fret that there’s little I can do to influence future generations by instilling that appreciation in someone.  Anyone.

I wish you, my friend, could experience the feeling I have when I read the speech printed above.  I read it and think about that place in time, what was happening, and the impact of those happenings on the future.  I think about a president beset by political, strategic and emotional difficulties, not to mention battling a form of small pox at the time.  I wonder how a time of such great and terrible events could produce such a lasting lesson for us all of the importance of our democracy and the place that idea holds in the history of the world.   And the simple power of those words makes me tear up every time I read it.

Some things are too important and need recognizing.  History matters.

A history lesson…?  Yes, please.  I’ll take two.

Just in Time for Halloween, Ethel’s Back…

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As you might well expect, I just love holidays.   I love celebrations, themes, traditions and pretty much anything that gives me an excuse to purchase a special outfit.  So, Halloween is basically the trifecta of experiences for me:

  1. Halloween season heralds the halt of icky summer yard work and the beginning of holiday season compulsive planning.   (FYI, my life is a constant battle between my innate laziness and my love of making plans for tasks that seem like a good idea, but later I regret, complain about and try to avoid.)
  2. Brand new couture every year.   Usually with sparkles.
  3. Candy, yo.

This year, I decided to be a Mystic Witch.  This is a witch that doesn’t seem to have any discernible powers other than to get caught in spider webs and wear purple.

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My husband, who is a paragon of spousal support, has dubbed this costume Gandalf the Purple.

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I think he says that because he hates happiness and is secretly jealous that I look good in sparkly costumes.   He could never pull Mystic Witch off.

So you can imagine how excited I was when, in keeping with the spirit of the holiday, Ethel made her return.  Ethel is the name I gave a recurring bump on my wrist that makes an annoying and slightly painful appearance from time to time.   Doctors and other professionals (my idiot co-workers) have told me it’s called a ganglion cyst, but you know it as that thing women get as they get older and more crone-like.   Think of the arm that hands Snow White the poisonous apple.  Perfect timing, Ethel.    Not exactly Mystic Witch…more Wicked Witch.   And it’s making me cranky, so there’s that.

The funny thing is that when we share minor maladies with those we know, people naturally try and offer help, based on their experiences, life lessons and what they’ve picked up watching Dr. Oz.   Without fail, these well-meaning people all tell me to smash it with a book.  Hard.  Preferably a Bible.    When so many people repeated the same advice (including my parents, who are required by law to love me) I decided to do extensive research on the question.   After at least two Wikipedia articles and three patient online testimonials (cos who ever lies online?) I learned that many doctors still carry out this harsh sentence treatment.

WTF people?  Haven’t we progressed beyond this brand of Puritanical medicine?   But I guess it’s better than the alternative Puritan solutions to unusual phenomena.  Still, I think it’s barbaric and a little bit scary.  Not so much about the treatment, but more so that so many people seem to want to beat me with books.

Trick or Treat, Assholes.

Somebody pass me a Kit Kat.  No, no…my left hand.

Top 10 Things That Totally Happened in My Hotel Room Last Month. And “Top” May Be Setting Your Expectations High

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  1. Turned on the heat in Jacksonville, Florida in August.
  2. Speculated on the chances I’m running a fever.
  3. Sportin’ a giant red Valentine-type night shirt.  From Walmart.  Circa 2008.   In defense of #3:   I’m not proud of this, but there is an explanation, of sorts.  I purchased it at a time when I was having surgery.  In February.   And apparently I wanted to recuperate resembling Ebenezer Scrooge, lookin’ for love.  It’s since been relegated to the travel category where no one will ever see it again.
  4. Yay free Famous Amos cookies in my room!
  5. Omigod, what if there’s a fire here?  And I’m forced to evacuate in this godawful giant red cheapass nightshirt…?  If I make it through this night alive, the first thing I’m doing when I get home is donating this sorry POS to charity.
  6. Did you know there’s an online dating site for farmers? Honest to God, I shit you not.  And how do I know this?  No, I’m not looking for a little agricultural action:  there’s a commercial running here advertising it.
  7. Anyone know how I wipe my iPad browser history before I get back  home?   And in a related note, advertising works.
  8. Sitting next to me on my night stand is my Birthday Boo mini stuffed animal that I bring along on my trips as a tiny companion-adventurer and comfort to me in a strange environment.  I think my hotel room neighbor can hear me talking to him.  And by “him”, I mean Boo, not the neighbor.
  9. Just finished my large Coke Zero from an earlier fast food run.  And the Famous Amos cookies.  On the plus side, the melatonin’s starting to kick in and I’m finally getting sleepy, which is probably responsible for most of this post.  It’s a dangerous cocktail.  Ride the dragon.
  10. Zzzzzz.  Boo says g’nite.

I’m a Little Worried About That Invisible Jet

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This would be me someday...

This would be me someday…

Lest you think this post is a follow up to my last travel-inspired treatise, let me assure you that there will be no such logical organization here.  This blog is liable to be a meandering hodge podge of topics as strikes my fancy.  Maybe one day there will be a coherence to it all, but for now, let us take a journey of a different sort:  down memory lane.

While I now enjoy the glamorous life of a business professional on the go, believe it or not, this was not my first career ambition.  Back in the 70’s, many little girls wanted to grow up to be a teacher, a nurse or a newscaster on Action News.   (OK, these were my fallback choices in case my number one goal didn’t materialize.)  But my first serious career ambition was to grow up to be Wonder Woman.

And I don’t mean a “wonder woman” who “has it all,” balancing family, a career and an active social life.  I mean Wonder Woman, with the capital “W’s”.   From my early childhood, I believed that Wonder Woman was a real person.   And much like that later fictional character, the Dread Pirate Roberts, Wonder Woman was an identity that was filled throughout the ages, by a series of special, uniquely qualified individuals.

Now, I didn’t flatter myself that I would simply be anointed with this incredible privilege and responsibility.  That’s why I went into serious training at an early age.

First up, the Lariat of Hestia, aka the Lasso of Truth.  I was always taught how important it was to tell the truth, so I naturally believed that this skill would be helpful and valuable in life.   Since there were few Lassos of Truth lying around, I resorted to the Lasso of Jumprope.   I practiced my lassoing and roping skills and, I think, I had a pretty passable toss, as long as the bad guy was within 4 feet and was no taller than 2 ½ feet.  Or on his knees.   I preferred on his knees because that means I wouldn’t have to lasso on the run as he fled.

Having mastered that, my next skill was the bulletproof bracelets.  (!!!)  Any job that required you to wear fabulous bracelets and a tiara was surely worth striving for!   To complete my look, I convinced my mother that I had to have the stars n’ stripes satin-y one-piece bathing suit from Lloyds Children’s Boutique.   It was that perfect combination of flash, sparkle and sensible fit I would need to nab the bad guys, without giving myself a wedgie.    So, with my outfit finished, I practiced my defensive maneuvers with the plastic bangle set we picked up from the grocery store toy section.   I would be impervious to any bullets or foreign objects shot at my head, torso or anywhere in the range of motion of my arms.  (Which sounds kinda pathetic, but really, that’s a flaw in the mythology and a Wonder Woman limitation — not just mine.  Heaven forbid Wonder Woman gets shot in the ankle or in the back.)

Next up, balance, dexterity and jumping ability.   This was accomplished by running around the yard, climbing up our mulberry tree and jumping off my swing set into a tuck n’ roll.  Which might sound marginally impressive until I tell you that the swing set bar was about 3 feet off the ground.  However, I reasoned at the time, even the current Wonder Woman had to start somewhere.  Once I was older and less acrophobic, I could hone my skills to jump from greater heights.

Which brings me to the Invisible Jet.   Even as a child, I could see that the Invisible Jet was tricky.  I’ve never seen anyone lofting through the air, but I imagined that since the jet was invisible, that means I would be able to see through it to the ground below.   I was unconcerned about learning how to pilot a jet plane – that can be learned in time – but seeing nothing below you is another story.  I was worried.  How would I know where the controls were…or the seat…or the bathroom?  And if I used the bathroom, could everyone see me?  Cos that’s a phobia that’s even worse than heights for me.   But with the faith of a child, I accepted that once I grew up and became Wonder Woman, it would all somehow work out.

Reflecting on it, I think that ability is the one super power I carried into adulthood:  assuming that things will work out.   And while my superhero training may seem silly and naïve, I see many useful parallels to my life now:

It is important to tell the truth.

I do feel better and more empowered when I mix in some running and jumping.

Bad guys sometimes get their comeuppance.

And while a fabulous outfit and jewelry can’t protect you from the bullets life sends you, it does wonders for your outlook on it!